Alisha Ankers, Attorney at Law
"Our focus is your family."
Stepping Together
Family, May/June 1997 The Village Family
Service Center,
Stepping Together
By Michelle Dahlstrom
There’s so much to cope with when blending two
families. No wonder stepfamily members often feel overwhelmed. There
are, however, guidelines to follow, and with perseverance,
compassion and patience, successful stepfamilies can be built.
Last fall, network TV launched a new situation comedy highlighting
the ups and downs of a newly blended stepfamily. “Something So
Right”
features newlyweds Jack and Carley, who, between them, have a
history of three previous marriages, each of which produced a child.
All the children now reside with them.
In each week’s episode they contend with stepsiblings vying for
position, immature and overindulgent ex-spouses, demanding
co-workers, and the ongoing challenge of finding time to nurture
their new marriage. The conflicts range from the crush that Carley’s
13-year-old son has on his new 16-year-old stepsister to Jack’s
flaky ex-wife giving their daughter permission to take a modeling
job behind his back.
Despite the superficiality of this show, television often reflects
what’s happening in
Thankfully, professional research and personal experience has
developed along with the trend. There is an ever-growing body of
information and resources available to support stepfamilies. By
using these, families can get help in making the adjustments that
allow and sustain strong, healthy, nurturing family relationships.
Why is it so hard?
Stepfamilies are truly different
Generally in a biological family there is the meeting, courtship and
marriage, a period of adjustment and growth as a couple, and then
the birth and rearing of children.
In a stepfamily, these stages are out of sequence and several stages
can occur simultaneously! The relationship between the parent and
children precedes the marital relationship. This creates a
significantly different process of adjustment for the stepfamily.
Remarriage and stepparenting require simultaneous adjustment.
Tension can be expected over the new roles that both kids and adults
are assigned as steprelatives. Issues such as discipline, finances
and sharing of household resources (even time in the bathroom) can
all induce stress.
The new stepmom or dad may be insecure with their sudden parental
status. They also often feel guilt over forming a new couple bond
that may be seen as having priority over the prior parent-child
bond. After all, who was here first?
Another difficulty is the ambiguous legal nature of the relationship
between stepparents and stepchildren. Stepparents are often excluded
from legal and school functions and may be prevented from signing
medical consent forms, even in emergencies.
Kids struggle with loyalty issues (“I already have a dad”). Many
kids in stepfamilies experience a profound sense of uprootedness
related to being members of two different households. Often mom and
dad have very different households and children feel like they’re
going from “Jupiter to Mars” in terms of household rules, routines
and values. Ongoing separations can be very trying for kids. If this
is their second or third stepfamily, they may withdraw to avoid the
risk of additional loss.
Acknowledgment of loss
It is vitally important to acknowledge that a stepfamily is a family
born of loss. Whether through divorce, death or separation, the
marriage and new family was preceded by loss. This loss is
experienced in different ways by each family member.
For adults, the loss is of a marriage or relationship that failed.
In addition, there may be “unfinished business” with the ex-spouse.
Difficulties with psychological or emotional separation may linger
long after the physical and legal split, and may never be complete.
The birth of children joins a couple for life, regardless of marital
status.
For children, the impact is even greater, and on more levels.
Children may experience the loss of a parent, home, neighborhood,
school, friends or pets. They may also lose time with grandparents
and other extended family members.
Other losses can include loss of privacy. Your daughter may now have
to share her bedroom and closet space with stepsisters. Your son may
go from being the baby in the family to suddenly having younger
stepsiblings. They may feel they are now competing for your
attention with a new stepparent and his or her kids. Further
adjustment is called for if a new half-brother or sister is born.
And often, most tragic is the loss of a child’s dream to grow up
with mom and dad under one roof.
It can be better
There’s so much with which to cope. No wonder stepfamily members
often feel overwhelmed! There are, thankfully, guidelines to follow.
With perseverance, compassion and patience, successful stepfamilies
can be built.
Many successful stepfamilies have been formed. Here are some of the
characteristics they share:
• Losses have been mourned.
• Expectations are realistic.
• Remarried couple is unified and strong.
• Constructive rituals are estab-lished.
• Satisfactory steprelationships have been formed.
• Separate households cooperate.
• Family is caring and sensitive to others’ needs.
• Family takes pride in one another, and is committed to one
another.
• Family spends time together.
• Family has
solid connections to other individuals and support
systems.
Here are some hints to help you develop characteristics of
successful stepfamilies.
1. Recognize that becoming a stepfamily is not an event that happens
at the wedding. It is a process. Realize this family will take time
to grow, just as a biological family takes time. Total integration
will not happen overnight any more than painful grief can all be
expressed, healed and completed at once. Remember that the “old way”
or “new way”
is not right or wrong, only different.
2. Develop a solid couple bond, the foundation for your new family.
Adults can spend so much time and energy doing their best to make
the household run smoothly that their relationship as a couple is
neglected. It is for the good of the entire family that you invest
time and energy in establishing a solid, nurturing couple
relationship. Kids need a strong couple as the foundation for the
household to provide security. In addition, a strong couple
relationship teaches kids how to work together as they mature, leave
home and develop their own relationships. Using basic principles for
effective communication, couples can develop deeper, more supportive
relationships.
3. Set clear boundaries. It is important to establish and
communicate clear household boundaries. Kids feel safer when they
know what the rules are, even as they are constantly testing them!
Acknowledge that things may be different from “the way things are at
mom’s/dad’s house, and that’s OK.” This helps children accept shifts
between households and helps reduce loyalty conflicts.
Experts suggest the best way to handle discipline issues in the
beginning of a remarriage is for the biological parent to be
responsible for discipline of his/her child. Together, adults set
the “house rules” and then each parent can reinforce them for
his/her biological children. As relationships develop, the
stepparent can gradually take a more involved role in direct
discipline.
4. Accept continual shifts in the household as normal for the
family.
Adjusting to the visitation comings and goings of children takes
time.
It’s important for kids to feel supported at both of their
households.
When at your home, see that your child has a personal space (“This
is your bedroom, here’s your shelf in the bathroom, etc.”) and
respect his/her privacy. Give the child time to adjust between
household switches. When you identify and enforce consequences, make
sure they only affect your own household. Plan special parent/child
time with both the children who live with you and those who live
with their other parent.
5. Strive for civil relationships with your ex-spouses. This is not
always easy. If it were, you might still be married! However, it is
very important that kids not become pawns in their parent’s
unfinished business.
When discussing parenting issues with your ex-spouse, keep your
conversations courteous. Establish firm boundaries about your topic.
Share information, both positive and negative, about your children’s
activities and behavior. When problems arise, enlist their help in
finding solutions.
If at all possible, work to trust your ex-spouse’s judgment. If your
parenting styles differ, accept the differences. Let go of the
things you can’t control.
Never speak negatively about the other parent in front of your
child!
If your child and ex- have a conflict, don’t take sides and don’t
undermine the authority or credibility of your child’s other parent.
And if you’re the stepparent? Trust your spouse’s ability to handle
the situation. Listen to his/her concerns, give support, and resist
the urge to give advice.
6. Get involved. Create bonds. Even without a legal status,
stepparent/stepchild relationships can be really rewarding. The more
adults that kids have caring about them, the better off they are.
Stepparents can gain tremendous satisfaction from making meaningful
contributions to the children’s lives.
There are a lot of opportunities to create bonds. Bedtime provides a
great chance for conversation. Do chores together. Despite protests,
it’s important kids know they contribute to the family through
housecleaning, cooking, washing the car, etc. Doing these tasks as a
team provides a time “just to talk.” Make sure you let them know you
appreciate their help. Take your stepkids out for a snack, a meal, a
movie or a concert. Get involved in their school, religious and
sports activities. Knowing you’re there cheering them on, is an
invaluable way to build a relationship. The key is to put effort
into creating special time together. Don’t just wait for it to
happen.
7. Create family celebrations and rituals. There are two types of
rituals. The first are traditional, such as religious and holiday
celebrations handed down from generation to generation. The second
are spontaneous. These are the habits that include the way families
eat meals, prepare for bed and rise in the morning.
Spontaneous rituals give every family a sense of identity and help
to define the rules so family members know where they stand with one
another. They also serve to connect families and keep them close,
which helps them through the rough times. The task of the new family
is to negotiate and form new family traditions. To do this, combine
some of the old traditions from each family and develop your own.
One family argued about decorating the tree at Christmas. The
husband’s kids insisted the tree be flocked, because that’s how
they’d always done it. Mom’s kids always had an old-fashioned
ornament and tinsel tree. The solution? The family negotiated, and
the result is a tree each year that is half flocked and half
trimmed. It’s unique, visually interesting and constitutes a new
family tradition.
Planning a family celebration is a wonderful way to create new
family rituals. For the celebration, the family together selects a
theme, time and place. Each member contributes suggestions and has
preparation responsibilities. It’s an involving and effective way to
build connections between new family members.
One family created an anniversary celebration to commemorate their
first year as a stepfamily. Prior to the celebration they each
assembled a “collage of memories,” representing his/her experience
in their first year as a stepfamily. For the meal, each family
member prepared an appetizer, and together they created a “blended
casserole.”
During the meal they shared their favorite thing about the
stepfamily.
They closed by each expressing their wish for the coming year.
8. Accept that grieving takes time.
Any or all of these adjustments require adjustment, sometimes quite
painful adjustment. It can be frightening to admit the depth of loss
that is felt. Parents are often eager to see this new marriage as a
fresh start, a return to square one. In a ready-made stepfamily this
is virtually impossible. It is key that parents allow each child to
express their grief, in their own way. Grief is a process and it
requires time.
Some research now suggests that it takes as many years as your
child’s age at the time of the remarriage for that child to make the
transition into the new family. Although this may at first be
shocking (“Omigosh, my kid is eight, eight more years of this!?”),
it can be a relief to understand that it is a normal adjustment
period.
But it looks so easy!
In the television sitcoms, all stepfamily issues are light,
humorous, and happily resolved in 23 minutes! Nothing in real life
is quite that easy. But, with time, patience and love, stepfamilies
can be wonderful environments for children and their parents.
Compiled from Stepping Together, a stepfamily workshop created by
The Village Family Service Center and NDSU Extension.
Michelle Dahlstrom is a North Dakota native living in
Sidebar
Things to talk about before you remarry
Individually answer the following questions and then discuss your
answers:
1. What are your reasons for remarrying?
2. What do you want from this relationship?
3. What changes will remarriage bring?
4. How are your lifestyles different?
5. What are the similarities and differences in your beliefs about
child rearing, housekeeping, food and money?
6. How do you feel about moving into a home where your spouse lived
with a former spouse?
7. How will remarriage affect your children?
8. What effect will your marriage have on your children’s
relationship
with their other biological parent?
9. What kind of parenting do you expect of each other?
10. What do you want and expect from your stepchildren?
11. How will you communicate with former spouses? How much contact
is
appropriate?
12. How will money be handled?
13. Are you aware of each other’s assets and debts?
14. How will child support payments affect your family budget?
15. What are your feelings about religion?
16. What is your general value system?
17. How will you make time to enjoy and nurture your marriage?
18. How will household responsibilities be shared?
19. How do each of you feel about contact with extended family?
20. How do you feel about contact with your ex-spouse’s extended
family?
Alisha Ankers, Attorney at Law